Monday, October 7, 2013

Everyone Will Be Sad (At Some Point or Another)

I was taught that sadness is a part of life- that everyone will be sad at times. There’s no way to escape sadness, only to accept it and let it run its course.  But I also learned that many people are unhappy because of something you cannot see or understand. They aren’t sad because someone died, or broke their heart or because they watched a sad movie. Perhaps they are unhappy because of their job, or life at home, or perhaps they are simply depressed and have no definable answer for why they are sad. I watched it happen to my mother, and my father, and my best friend. It happened to me. I lived through that deep sadness and then I felt nothing at all. And to this day, I still don’t know which is worse. But I often think that feeling sad is better than not feeling anything, in the long run. Sadness is the sort of thing that will fade with time, given the right circumstances. Sadness is recognizable and understandable and quantifiable. Sadness can be measured on a scale of one to ten. You can’t measure a lack of emotion.

Fear Is ugly

I was taught that fear is ugly. Fear is weakness. Being afraid is something to hide, to be ashamed of. Admitting I’m scared us something it took me a long time to learn, and learning it earlier would have saved me a lot of grief. I was told that my fear was wrong and illogical and an ugly mess of feelings that were better off buried deep inside my heart. But when I let this fear into my heart, instead of acknowledging it, it spread and infected the rest of my life. Fear is a disease- it rots people from the inside out, destroying relationships and crumbling lives into something that only vaguely resembles functionality.

Fear is normal. Fear is healthy and human. Everyone’s afraid of something. I’m afraid of things almost constantly. But I’m not afraid of my fear. It’s only when we let our fear consume us that it becomes ugly.

What I Was Taught About Anger

I was taught never to show my anger. I was taught always to keep a calm composure, to smile and say “that’s quite alright” even when it wasn’t. Fortunately for myself, (and others) it takes a lot to get me angry. But when it does, I have to hide it because that’s what I was told to do. Don’t show them they got to you. Don’t show them how angry they’ve made you. Don’t let them know they’ve won. Prove that you’re stronger. Only the weak let their anger show so easily. And you aren’t weak, even if you cry all the time and hate large crowds and don’t make friends easily, at least they’ll never see you angry. Anger is a lack of control, and you must always be in control, because if you aren’t, you haven’t really got anything.
Posted In: Everyday Emotions Postweek 1

What I Was Not Taught About Happiness

Nobody taught me that happiness is something you have to find yourself. No one is going to give it to you. No celebrity or friend or philosopher or lover can teach you how to be happy. Only you can make yourself be happy.
And it won’t be easy either. Happiness is a journey, a long, difficult journey. It may take years. It may take your whole life. Maybe you will never be quite as happy as you could have been, but that’s okay. It’s the getting there that’s the important part. You did it. You figured out the secrets.
People will try to make it as difficult as possible for you, because they aren’t happy and therefore you shouldn’t be either. They’ll tell you true happiness is a myth. “Maybe it is,” you’ll say, “ But fuck you anyways.

Nobody Told Me How Afraid I Would Be

Nobody told me that fear isn’t just monsters and murderers and the villains of my favorite Disney movies. Nobody told me how scary it would be to grow up. Nobody warned me about all the things I would have to worry about, to be afraid of- go to college, pick a career, buy a house, get married, have kids- I can’t think about these things without being scared shitless. The fear that I will never succeed, never be happy, never fall in love, never be good enough- no one told me this fear would live at the back of my head, a looming reminder of my own cowardice.  It makes my stomach curl and my throat close up. It’s a bitter taste in my mouth, this fear, and it’s an ache in my chest. It scratches at my brain, constantly vying for my attention. Nobody ever said it would be like this. Nobody taught me how scary life would be.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

a new era???

I haven't posted on this blog for almost two years!! But, I'm doing a lot of writing for my program this quarter, and i thought it would be a great opportunity to start writing and posting again. And, to be honest, I like this blog too much to bother making another one. I plan on redesigning and giving it a fresh start, but i'll keep some of my old posts, for nostalgia's sake, and because they make me laugh. Some of them are actually kinda good, and some of them I like to read because my sixteen and seventeen year old self was so chipper with her writing! It's a little embarrassing, but also heartwarming. Hopefully my current writing will be too good too, but without the adolescent awkwardness. Probably not, hmMM

Thursday, October 20, 2011

NaNoWriMo: A mystical journey into the unknown

All I know is, it's my second year of NaNoWriMo and I'm still afraid i won't finish. How did i do it last year? it was so hard. I think I'm scared I'll get cocky or something. But really, it'll be okay. Mostly I'm just EXCITED.

Last year, it practically cured me of my horrible writer's block.

This year, it will be epic!

I will finish a novel!

And publish it!

And be famous!

And rich!

It'll be awesome. all y'all just watch and SEE.

I try to write on a semiregular basis. Kind of. A lot of it doesnt ever get past the pages of my notebook, but it's still good practice and whatnot. I think that's how most writers do it: a little bit at a time. But the idea of NaNo is to get a whole bunch of it out at once and by golly, does it work. Last year at least, it had this wierd effect on me. (Again, i'm no expert; i've only done it once.)

It felt as though i was walking in a dream. My head would be full of ideas of characters and i spent every second i could scribbling out words. And yet, people would expect me to do other things, like go to school or sleep. Crazy people; couldn't they see i was busy?! goodness. I hope they don't do that again.