What I Was Not Taught About Happiness

Nobody taught me that happiness is something you have to find yourself. No one is going to give it to you. No celebrity or friend or philosopher or lover can teach you how to be happy. Only you can make yourself be happy.

And it won’t be easy either. Happiness is a journey, a long, difficult journey. It may take years. It may take your whole life. Maybe you will never be quite as happy as you could have been, but that’s okay. It’s the getting there that’s the important part. You did it. You figured out the secrets.

People will try to make it as difficult as possible for you, because they aren’t happy and therefore you shouldn’t be either. They’ll tell you true happiness is a myth. “Maybe it is,” you’ll say, “ But fuck you anyways.

Nobody Told Me How Afraid I Would Be

Nobody told me that fear isn’t just monsters and murderers and the villains of my favorite Disney movies. Nobody told me how scary it would be to grow up. Nobody warned me about all the things I would have to worry about, to be afraid of- go to college, pick a career, buy a house, get married, have kids- I can’t think about these things without being scared shitless. The fear that I will never succeed, never be happy, never fall in love, never be good enough- no one told me this fear would live at the back of my head, a looming reminder of my own cowardice.  It makes my stomach curl and my throat close up. It’s a bitter taste in my mouth, this fear, and it’s an ache in my chest. It scratches at my brain, constantly vying for my attention. Nobody ever said it would be like this. Nobody taught me how scary life would be.

a new era???

I haven't posted on this blog for almost two years!! But, I'm doing a lot of writing for my program this quarter, and i thought it would be a great opportunity to start writing and posting again. And, to be honest, I like this blog too much to bother making another one. I plan on redesigning and giving it a fresh start, but i'll keep some of my old posts, for nostalgia's sake, and because they make me laugh. Some of them are actually kinda good, and some of them I like to read because my sixteen and seventeen year old self was so chipper with her writing! It's a little embarrassing, but also heartwarming. Hopefully my current writing will be too good too, but without the adolescent awkwardness. Probably not, hmMM

NaNoWriMo: A mystical journey into the unknown

All I know is, it's my second year of NaNoWriMo and I'm still afraid i won't finish. How did i do it last year? it was so hard. I think I'm scared I'll get cocky or something. But really, it'll be okay. Mostly I'm just EXCITED.

Last year, it practically cured me of my horrible writer's block.

This year, it will be epic!

I will finish a novel!

And publish it!

And be famous!

And rich!

It'll be awesome. all y'all just watch and SEE.


I try to write on a semiregular basis. Kind of. A lot of it doesnt ever get past the pages of my notebook, but it's still good practice and whatnot. I think that's how most writers do it: a little bit at a time. But the idea of NaNo is to get a whole bunch of it out at once and by golly, does it work. Last year at least, it had this wierd effect on me. (Again, i'm no expert; i've only done it once.)

It felt as though i was walking in a dream. My head would be full of ideas of characters and i spent every second i could scribbling out words. And yet, people would expect me to do other things, like go to school or sleep. Crazy people; couldn't they see i was busy?! goodness. I hope they don't do that again.

Bucket List

I've seen these floating around my third period blogs, and I got sorta inspired. I'm all about lists, so here's one.

SHIT TO DO BEFORE I KICK IT:
-Finish a novel
-Live abroad
-Live in Seattle
-Visit Egypt
-Learn an instrument
-Fly a plane
-Publish a novel

Repost: Adulthood

It's freakin' scary, that's what it is.

This stage of my life is overwhelming: life decisions that decide my life, holycrap. I feel like I’m about to get kicked off a cliff without wings or a jet pack. I wish I had more time then I have now to think this through. There's so much work involved: college applications, shoe laces.

I got this bit from Joseph Nguyen's blog. Pretty much sums it up for me. I'm being hurtled into something that I have no idea how to react to, and I'm being asked to become something that i don't know how to be.

Senior year is already full of things to prepare for: Prom, Graduation, College applications, etc. But I'm a 'big picture' kind of person. I always have been, and i've also always been fascinated with the idea of living on my own. I would plan out all kinds of houses for myself to live in, from big country houses to tiny apartments to treehouses. I would think about what kind of food i would have, where my library would be (because a library is a necessity, of course.) and where every last thing that i owned would go.

But as I've gotten older, those dreams suddenly turned to anxiety. I started actually paying attention to what my parents did. I still want to live on my own, but now i know about all the things I'm gonna have to do.

Banking. Taxes. Home ownership. Car ownership. Insurance. Relationships. Work. Health. Phone Bills. Electricity Bills. Heating Bills. BillsBillsBills. And money. Oh god, the money. What am i supposed to do when my parents aren't there to pay for everything? It's piling up, the little list in my head, and pretty soon it'll collapse.

Okay. So, my parents have explained to me that it doesn't just all happen at once, Dear, don't worry. But it sure feels like it does. And to be honest, I'm freaking out a little.

A Writer's Frustration

Joseph Heller said,
"Every writer I know has trouble writing."
And I'm not different

There are days
when the the words simply refuse to come
and that's when the trouble starts

Some days it's angry
stuttering red hot passionate frustration
all the right emotions in all the wrong places

Other days it's melancholy
the blue of the sky without wings to take me there
I gaze into the black page until my heart aches

But when the words finally come
bursting forth like water from a dam
the world is reborn in color