Repost: Adulthood

It's freakin' scary, that's what it is.

This stage of my life is overwhelming: life decisions that decide my life, holycrap. I feel like I’m about to get kicked off a cliff without wings or a jet pack. I wish I had more time then I have now to think this through. There's so much work involved: college applications, shoe laces.

I got this bit from Joseph Nguyen's blog. Pretty much sums it up for me. I'm being hurtled into something that I have no idea how to react to, and I'm being asked to become something that i don't know how to be.

Senior year is already full of things to prepare for: Prom, Graduation, College applications, etc. But I'm a 'big picture' kind of person. I always have been, and i've also always been fascinated with the idea of living on my own. I would plan out all kinds of houses for myself to live in, from big country houses to tiny apartments to treehouses. I would think about what kind of food i would have, where my library would be (because a library is a necessity, of course.) and where every last thing that i owned would go.

But as I've gotten older, those dreams suddenly turned to anxiety. I started actually paying attention to what my parents did. I still want to live on my own, but now i know about all the things I'm gonna have to do.

Banking. Taxes. Home ownership. Car ownership. Insurance. Relationships. Work. Health. Phone Bills. Electricity Bills. Heating Bills. BillsBillsBills. And money. Oh god, the money. What am i supposed to do when my parents aren't there to pay for everything? It's piling up, the little list in my head, and pretty soon it'll collapse.

Okay. So, my parents have explained to me that it doesn't just all happen at once, Dear, don't worry. But it sure feels like it does. And to be honest, I'm freaking out a little.

A Writer's Frustration

Joseph Heller said,
"Every writer I know has trouble writing."
And I'm not different

There are days
when the the words simply refuse to come
and that's when the trouble starts

Some days it's angry
stuttering red hot passionate frustration
all the right emotions in all the wrong places

Other days it's melancholy
the blue of the sky without wings to take me there
I gaze into the black page until my heart aches

But when the words finally come
bursting forth like water from a dam
the world is reborn in color

A Cake Sonnet

darling, please don't be upset

that I ate the very last piece

I know that you wanted it, my pet

but once i started, i could not cease

I devoured the very last slice

(and four more before that, it's true)

forgive me, it was so sweet and nice

but really, i did it for you

I ate the very last piece of cake

I spied it as I walked past

I remembered you were watching your sugar intake

so I knew that it had to go fast

happy birthday, my love, my sugarplum sweet

maybe next year you'll get all you want to eat

IT'S OVER! (a week-late post on NaNoWriMo)

it is. it really is. And i did it, i really did.I DID IT. If you're reading this, mr. sutherland, i finally conquered my writers block!!!! isnt it EXCITING?!

It was quite a challenge for me, i won't pretend that it wasn't. I got sick in the last week, and i had a swim meet that took up an entire weekend and left no time for writing. Not to mention i had swim practice virtually every day after school, except when i could avoid it. Its really hard to write two thousand words when i'm exausted, wet, and still have homework to do. i am quite proud of myself for being able to manage my time enough to finish. so GO ME! :D

It's still unfinished, and unedited and badly in need of a good makeover, but it's there. The story is there, in tangible, readable form. My story. It's a new concept for me, to see my ideas on paper and not just in my head.

Now, to give credit where credit is due:

Thanks to both my parents, for letting my use the computer and doing the dishes for me when i was behind. You guys are the best!

Thanks to all the people on the NaNoWriMo staff, though it is highly unlikely that they are reading this, specifically Lindsey Grant for being so gosh darn amazing.

Also all the authors who sent out pep talk emails, specifically Chris Baty,whose pep talk about the strugglers party made me feel a whole lot better about rocking it. And lemony snicket, because he kicks ass. Love you, man.

And last, and definitely whatever is the opposite of least, my best friend Elizabeth, because it was her idea to do NaNo in the firstplace, and because without her support and endess patience of me being a heartless, selfish bitch, i never would have finished. I may be obnoxiously jealous of you, but you are an amazing writer and i couldn't have done it without you!

~~~~~GRACIEBEE~~~~~:D~~~~~

Three more days of freedom!

It's like, october couldnt go fast enough two weeks ago, when i was all "isn't halloween this weekend?" OH WAIT, IT'S NOT. and now im FREAKING OUT cause oh hey, in three days i have to start writing. stuff. lots of it. and i mean, if i quit halfway through November, its not as though god unleashes his almighty god-fury down from the heavens. or anything.

.....

However. If i do quit halfway through November, my own god-fury, self loathing and capacity to hate myself forever will unleash itself. Cause i really really want to do this.

Because i think thats what NaNoWriMo is about. I dont get some big fancy award or trophy if i finish. But i do get the self satisfaction of having finally dragged myself away from my spiralling viscious circle of not writing anything at all and still pretending to feel justified in calling myself a writer. After this, 50,000 words of unedited, badly phrased novel will stand as proof that i am, in fact, a writer.


Hooray for self-accomplishment!

~Graciebee

National Novel Writing Month!

Also known as NaNoWriMo. I'm terribly excited. i'll finally write a significant amount of something! even though no one is reading this. except maybe mr. sutherland. or kathryn. but probably not. the good news is that nanowrimo is an online writing thing in november, and i have to write over 50,00 words.
which meeeeeeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnnnssssssss that this thing will actually have something on it! hoozah and lots of merriment await me. in december, of course, after the thirty days of writing torture and little sleep.

Cheers!
~Graciebee

I am so win at picking berries.

Something new i discovered about myself today: i am a fearless berry picker.

Normally, I'm terrified of bees. and spiders. and any other kind of small, twitchy, scuttery bug, really. Not just the oh-dear-me-this-is-a-little-uncomfortable kind of scared, no. i mean the screeching-and-running-away kind. But not today. A bee? what bee? dunno what your talking about, hun. And spiders? get OUT of my way, bitches.

i swallowed one. they go well with boysenberries.

Also, my hands are covered in thorn scratches. what can i say? anything to get that big, fat, juicy berry, yeah? bwahaha. i also totally don't care that the entire right thigh of my skinny jeans are stained pink from licking my fingers and wiping. Sorry, Mom.