Friday, March 26, 2010

John Dies at the End

John Dies at the End, by David Wong (which is a pseudonym for Jason Pargin, by the way) is the horror-slash-crazy comedy story of two guys, John and Dave, that take a drug called 'soy sauce' which gives them a window into another dimension. After going to a party and being followed home by a dog named Molly, Dave gets a frantic call from his best friend John. He goes to John's house and finds out that he has taken the soy sauce. Dave then injects himself with it accidentally, and suddenly they can see all kinds of monsters and ghosts and disgusting, perverted things that make me wrinkle my nose, roll my eyes, and laugh out loud all at the same time. after a couple adventures and investigations John-style, they figure out that an evil demon-like thing, Korrok, is trying to take over the world. and then-ahhhhhhh, no spoilers.

My favorite character would have to be John, although its a tough choice between him and Dave, since they're both pretty darn awesome. John is vulgar, rude, drinks alcohol and plays video games in his spare time. He's in a band that sings the strangest songs ever (Camel Holocaust is as long as you need it to be, my friend.) He's also conceited. " Yeah, its not a big deal for me to lift heavy objects. I'm sort of used to it, if you know what i mean...of course I'm talking about my penis....if you want to look at my penis, you'd better have a whole afternoon, buddy! You best have five or six hours to take it all in, lest its majesty escape you!" He takes the soy sauce willingly, even after seeing someone shrink themselves to three feet tall after taking it. He's the kind of person who gets kicked out of a school for exploding a Bunsen burner and shattering a window in chemistry class. but he's SO FUNNY. When he and Dave go to Las Vegas and fight the wig monsters, he picks up a chair and makes all sorts of lame puns while beating them with it. " Have a seat, bitch!...You've been sentenced to get the chair, motherfucker!...You wants the committe, asshole, then you best meet with the chair!...There's some dessert! with a chair-y on top!" Theres an entire story that John tells Dave about his investigation, which is hugely exaggerated but more fun to read if you take it seriously. 'John claims that the men hauling him a way from the scene were escorted by other men carrying submachine guns, though, when pressed, he admitted that they may have been flashlights...He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick. I never ask John to clarify such things...I suspect that, in reality, either the men at the cleanup site didn't see John at all or they merely gave him a dirty look until he turned around and drove away. Again, i wasn't there and i do not wish to cast an unfavorable light on John's personal credibility." He's witty, sarcastic, spontaneous, and a total deadbeat. but we love him. and by the end of the book, we realize that he's also kind. Dave's girlfriend, Amy, lost a hand in a car accident and hates it because everyone describes her as 'the girl without a hand'. But Dave says to Amy "Let me tell you everything you need to know about John. The reason i was surprised by your hand was because John never once described you as 'the girl with the missing hand'."

The authors writing style is extremely funny, descriptive, perverted, and very random. Dave views everything with a dry sense of humor, and even when he's scared shitless he still manages to drop an F-bomb and a sarcastic comment on us like it's nothing. There are countless penis and fart jokes, which admittedly do get tiresome after a while, but also show who's writing the story really well. For example, if it was from a child's point of view, everything would be terrifying and traumatic. But since it's clearly from a college-maybe-older-age male point of view, its all penis jokes and the wrong reactions to an evil world takeover. I'm gonna go ahead and combine two questions for this one, because the authors writing style and his purpose are really connected in my mind. The purpose of the book is simply to enjoy. Its almost as if Wong has a top hat full of random ideas that seem like you'd have to be high to come up with, and then he pulls one out and writes about it. but for some reason it all fits together, even when it doesn't make sense. He's he editor of this really cool site, but its not exactly rocket science, you know? He's just a regular guy with a really active imagination. One of the other questions was whether or not the book is based on an of the authors personal experiences, and all i can say is i certainly hope not.

Unless, of course, the book is a way a mortal is trying to warn the rest of the world about Korrok. But I don't think He would allow that. If he can control people as easily as the book says he can, then this book can't be real. Unless he's feeding us false information. He can control what people write; the proof is right there in Amy's chat log. It only proves that we are a worthless race. We are weak, sniveling maggots who deserve to perish. Korrok will pass judgement on us, and we will die. He is wise. He knows all and defeats all and is all. His punishment is a rank cornucopia of rotting flesh. He shall devour us and our blood will pour down his throat KORROK THE SLAVE MASTER KORROK THE WISE KORROK THE KNOWING KORROK THE FAMISHED KORROK THE GIVER KORROK THE ALMIGHTY I SERVE NONE BUT KORROK I SERVE NONE BUT KORROK I SERVE NONE BUT KORROK oh my god i just blanked out and i have no idea where i am help me maybe i should

Friday, March 5, 2010

why adoption is cooler...

Well, as far as i can tell, childbirth is rather painful. I've never seen a real birth, but everyone's seen the TV "reality" shows. The ones with women screaming until their face turns blue and covered in blood? well, with adoption, you don't have to do that! its completely pain free! mostly. I mean, okay, you have to do a lot of paper work, so I'm sure the hand cramps arent minimal, but really, it beats shoving a wriggling, screaming, bloody undeveloped human out of your lower orifice anyday.

I hate to bring up the subject of teen pregnancy, overpopulation, or drug addict mothers, but lets face it: there are alot of people out there who are not well equipped to take care of a child. Anyone can have a baby, but not everyone can adopt. If you want to adopt a child, the government does a full out investigation of you, your family, and your life. if they find any indication that you wouldnt be a good parent, then you arent allowed to adopt. Its very ironic, i think, that any crack addicted criminal can have a beautiful, innocent baby and treat it like shit, but parents who want to take care of kids that nobody wanted have to be wholesome and pure. its kinda sad, but its better for the kids. Way better.

It can take several months to find a kid, even years, really, especially if you're looking to adopt in your own country. Which is why i think international adoption is much better. My little brother was adopted from Kazakhstan, so my parents used an adoption agency to find him. But there's this couple i know from church who are trying to adopt right here in America, and are having a lot of trouble, because its twice as hard. They basically have to advertise themselves and hope a Mom will find them. Just watch Juno. And, with international adoption, you get to travel to a faraway country. or a not-so-faraway country, your choice. but still, Travel. its fun. and, orphaned kids here in america are treated way better than kids in other countries. you're giving this child a chance to live in the most prosperous country in the world. (well, thats debatable.)

Kids in orphanages, at least in kazakhstan, dont live very long once they turn eighteen. Once their officially adults, they basically get kicked out onto the streets, with nowhere to go. If you adopt a child, they will most likely grow up, get a job, and have a family. But the kids that dont will most likely die on the streets. When we went to get my brother at his 'baby house' in Almaty, Kazakhstan, the room where i first met him had this huge crib in the middle that had three or four babies in it. One of the kids was this little asian boy, with huge eyes and a serious, and seriously adorable, face. He was standing up with his hands on the side of the crib, peeking up at me from over the top. My brother was lucky enough to get adopted. He now lives with a loving family, gets enough food to eat, and goes to school. But everytime i think about my brother, i also think about that little boy. Did he get lucky? does he get enough to eat? and will he ever get adopted? its a hard think to imagine, an innocent boy dying on the streets because one boy in his orphanage got chosen over him. But if more people adopted, it wouldnt have to be that way.